When it rains it f**king pours!

This post has taken some time for me to think about and the direction I wanted to take it.  There has been a lot going on in my life recently and it has felt that whenever I take a positive step forward, I get smacked in the face with a wet fish.  I know deep down inside that there is a light at the end of the tunnel per se, but it is difficult to see it now.  

Some people know that my housing situation is not ideal and at one point, there was 3 of us living in a 1-bedroom flat.  So, I have been sleeping on the sofa for over a year.  I asked my mum to move in so that she had someone to look after her, as her mobility has gotten worse due to rheumatoid arthritis.  We are currently living in a top floor flat that has only one entrance/exit that has one flight of stairs going doing three floors.  With my own health problems, I have been struggling with the stairs, but 5 months ago I slipped halfway down these stairs carrying my mum’s walker, as we were off to town.  I had the usual back pain but did some muscle damage in the area that holding my leg to my groin.  

So, I have been having physio for this and must use a walking stick.  I have even been making improvements with my leg.  Well last Wednesday, I woke up and starting to sit on the sofa and I felt something pop in the middle of my back.  I couldn’t event stand straight.  I called the GP and requested an afternoon appointment as I had to take mam to an urgent hospital appointment that couldn’t be missed.  Throughout the day it just got worse, but I grinned and bared it.  I won’t go into the details of the hospital appointment as that is not my story to tell but it was a lot to take in and I had to push my feelings aside and be strong for my mum.  Thanks to Nikita and Shel for taking use to the appointment and back.  You two are life savers, as where I live the taxi to the hospital where the appointment is, was £60 to £70 return. 

 

Well once we got home, I struggled climbing the stairs and it felt like something was rubbing.  I was walking around hunched over as this was the most comfortable position.  I couldn’t even sit down for long.  I went to the GP, and it is normally a 10-minute walk away and I had to stop after so long as my legs were becoming weak.  IT took me over half an hour to get there.  Well, the GP was very thorough in their examinations, but I had weakness in both legs and lost some sensation in them too.  The GP wanted me to go to A&E straight away, but I did decide to go against their advice as I had to keep an eye on my mum.  I just grinned and bared the pain and rested when I could.  I do know that I probably made whatever was wrong with me worse.

 

The next morning and I went to the Prince Charles hospital in Merthyr Tydfil (Different health board but closest hospital with an Accident and Emergency).  I was triaged within 45 minutes and then seen by a doctor within an hour and a half.  He did refer me for an urgent MRI, but he needed an orthopaedic doctor to see what was wrong.  He thought I may have compressed the nerves in my lower spine, and if left untreated it could have serious complications.  He said he would prescribe some pain relief.  Turns out he didn’t do that, and the nurses had to get another doctor to examine me again for the pain relief.  The MRI found that I have multiple slipped discs in my lower back.  After spending 20 hours in A&E, I found out that the one doctor told the on-call surgeon that he offered me to go home but I refused.  I was seen by the head of orthopaedics and was told that I did not require surgery.  I was just ushered out quickly without any further advice.  A nurse did tell me that it would be best to speak to my GP for pain management, so as soon as I left, I got on the phone to the GP.   He called me back as soon as I got through the door, and he said he could see the MRI and it didn’t look good.  Turns out that I have 5 slipped discs and one bulged disc that has caused my spinal column to narrow in that area.  He explained that I would need to be urgently referred to the spinal specialist and the pain team.  He also prescribed me Amitriptyline on a low dose to start working on the nerve pain and to continue my Zapain.

 

A few days later, even though I was taking it easy and only doing the basics at home, I was still in a lot of pain, so called the GP and he called back within 5 minutes.  He wanted to examine me properly and go through everything with me.  He was quite straight to the point and didn’t sugar coat the issue with my back, and I totally appreciate that.  Due to wear the damage is, I may never be able to stand up straight again.  I must slow down which will be difficult as I am like the Duracell Bunny who goes on and on and on.  He did say that there will be good days where I can be walking around as if there is nothing wrong with my back, but there will also be days or even weeks where I get bad flare ups, and I may not even get out of bed.  He also said that due to the flare up I am going through, it has caused muscular pain and has prescribed Naproxen for that.  So, I have to process and come to terms with physically I won’t be that bouncy bunny you will see at a comic con or running around doing his cleaning within an hour or 2.  I have found it takes me 3 to 4 hours just to clean my living room at the moment.  Even walking to the town centre, which is normally a 5-minute walk, it takes me triple that.  It is a lot to take in especially now that I have started the trauma work with my counsellor. 

 

If it wasn’t for the family, boyfriend and friends around me and there are too many to list, but I do not think I would be able to get through all that has happened over the last few years.  So, I think the point of this post is to just show no matter what is thrown your way, there are people out there who will be there and stand by you no matter what.  Even if they do not know the full extent of what is happening in my head or going on with my body, they do not judge me, and they are guiding me through my journey.  It is going to be a long one, but I know I will get there.  I still got to carry on and care for my mum and also start looking after myself more as I have been neglecting my own needs.  I do know that all this is out of my hands and I just have to come to terms with it and I will.  I do have some plans coming up and hoping to go to London Comic Con Winter as I miss my crew family and get my geek on and hopefully get to finally meet Clark Gregg.

 

Lately I have been listening to songs when I have started feeling low and relate certain songs to how I am feeling.  So each blog may have a video of a song I am relating to at the moment.  Even though I have all these "Negative Stressors" around me, I am UNSTOPPABLE!  Click on the link below and just stop and listen to the lyics.

Sia - Unstoppable

 I JUST ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT I AM NOT ALONE!

 

Bondy out!

Why am I doing this blog!

 

 I am really nervous about writing this post, but it is a way of processing things as of late.

 

This is the Bondy people know!

So, in my main last blog post I gave an introduction about myself and give you an insight into what I get up to.  I decided my next post would be about way I have now decided to do this blog and create my own little space in this vast blogger-sphere.  Many people only tend to see me as this happy, outgoing, and bubbly character.  Whilst only a few close people know the real person that is ME.  As in all people that is the case I believe.  There are several reasons I am doing this blog, and many are for personal reasons which in time you will find out about if you keep following, but I never want to use it as a form of personal gratification or blowing my own trumpet as some people will say.  In no ways is this blog looking for sympathy or attention seeking.  I want to this blog to be not just personal but also a way of challenging the stigma and stereotyping of mental health conditions, learning difficulties and other things through my own personal experiences.  You are probably thinking why not just write it in a diary or journal.  I do, but only I get to read that, and I feel doing this blog could help others or even challenge the norm.  The blog will also be documenting things I love doing as well.

 

I need to find an outlet and find a way to deal and process my feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  I have real difficulty with this as I have been recently diagnosed with Disassociation Disorder.  After finding out I had this disorder, I felt very confused but the nurses who did the mental health assessment were fabulous and let me get out what I was holding deep inside.  They could see that I wanted to cry as my eyes were watering, but no tears would come out.  They could see I was also wanting to get angry, but I just sat there talking to them as if I was out with some friends.  I never heard of this disorder before, but from what they told me the saying that many people use ‘To let it all out’, I physical can’t.  Since a child, I have never really reacted emotionally to anything that was happening around me, and at times I just react to things involuntary.  When this happens, it’s always feels that I am not in control of my body, but I am just a passenger. I never known the reason why this happens and often if people are trying to get my attention, they often think I am being rude or ignorant.  I am not.  I may not have realised you are there, or the driver just won’t let me respond.

I also have depression and anxiety which goes hand in hand with this disorder, but it all relates to trauma.  For now, I won’t go into the details, but I have been living with this trauma for a very long time and even though my teenage and young adult years were quite turbulent, I learned all the bad techniques and behaviours in dealing with this trauma. I turned to alcohol and drugs; I also was also self-harming a lot too.  During this time, my family and friends were so supportive and caring.  They put up with me and saw that there was a person under that facade.

 

Now roll on 20 years, my life has been quite a rollercoaster, but it had come crashing down again as my marriage ended badly and I was isolated away in Ebbw Vale away from my family and friends, but I kept positive that I will get home.  Fast forward to the present and my health has deteriorated, and I am not the active person I used to be who was running around at conventions or working 72 hours a week in a care home.  I can now manage walking to town to do a bit of shopping.  So, I am mostly staying at home.  So as the professionals put it, there is a lot of negative stressors all going on around me and they can’t believe how I am physically functionim, but that down to the amazing family, boyfriend and friends around me.  Even though many do not know what is going on, they are there for me no matter what.  Even though all my friends seem miles aways, I know they are there for me no matter what and I am there for them to. 

 

So, moving forward, I know I must deal with the trauma and some of you know that I have started intensive counselling for this to re-learn the positive behaviours and techniques for myself and not the professional me who worked in the field.  This what makes us the worst types of patients who accesses mental health services, as we know what the counsellors or therapist will say.  So, I need to take a major step back and ask for the help as I know now is the right time to do it.

 

So, this blog for me is a therapeutic way of me dealing with this and it gives me a focus to channel how I am feeling or what is venting up inside.  So, if you got to the bottom of this post, I do applaud you, as I have said a lot about myself that many will not know.  Please I do ask just to treat me like you always have done as this is a journey for me too.  If you are intrigued like me about things, I have provided links to Mind about Trauma, Stress, Depression, and Anxiety etc.  So please take a look.

Live Long and Prosper

 

Bondy